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 The Mall

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Z 1
Shotgun Surgeon
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Gender : Male
Number of posts : 79
Age : 24

Character Sheet
Name: Talethal Yoric
Weapons: Aeromancer
Items: Lute, Raiper

PostSubject: The Mall   Wed May 13, 2009 2:31 pm

(This is something I wrote a while ago in english class, feel free to comment, tell me how cool I am, or diss me and tell me all thats wrong. But no really point out any thing thats wrong so i can fix it learn from mistake.)

The Mall
Journal Entry One 9:41 AM 7/16/11
If your reading this I hope your doing better than me and that your safe in some cozy room because at the moment of this writing I am not. I am writing this in a storage room while the pound away at the door. I don’t know how much longer it will last, so I will have to make this quick.

My day started out normal enough; I was at the mall with my friends just hanging out. It was perfect day, the sun was out the mall was pretty empty due to the Swine flu scare, (I thought it was just something to keep the people indoors and scare them, boy was I wrong) it was heaven… not the hell it turned into latter, but that’s for latter in this sad and messed up story.
My friends and I were at the food court waiting on our orders. (I was waiting on a whole batch of sticky buns; I haven’t had one of those in a while.) While we waited we chatted on things teens’ normally do school, sports (and some other topics we would not like to have adults catching us talking about.)

Then when our food got to us and we sat down to eat it started. A man came in thru the food courts front doors. I guess he might have been a homeless nam vet; because he was dressed like one, but his clothes were filthy and reeked. (there’s really no “but” there since most homeless people are dirty and stink, no disrespect intended to any homeless person reading this.)
Being the only few people there at the food court besides a group of two guys and one girl off to the side and an old woman every thing got quite. The man just stood there staring Trigger, my friend. After about a minute of this he looked at me and said

“Maybe he’s hungry, give him one of your sticky buns so he goes away.”

With much moaning I finally agreed. I called the man over asking if he wanted one. He looked at me then looked back at Trigg and started walking over a limp, which I thought might have come from nam. When he got to our table I lifted a sticky bun up to him and told him to take it.
He reached down (I thought to grab it) reached past it and grabbed Trigg’s arm. Immediately he started yelling and struggling to be let go, My friend Austin and I tried to get him off, we really did but it was no use he shook off. Then he…IT brought Trigg’s arm to his mouth and would have ripped a bite out of his arm if one of the guys from across the food court had not come over and helped us rip the fucker off of Trigg.

I backed away for a second as Trigg started backing up grasping his arm to see if any thing was wrong. Every one snapped out of shock at the same time my me, all taking in a breath of air at almost the same time. After about twenty seconds I yelled.

“What the hell is wrong with this ass whole”

Then my friend Austin said. “I don’t know but I think there’s more like him”

I then looked out the food court window and saw dozens more people limping like the man who was now twitching on the ground. Being an avid watcher of horror movies I new right away what was happening, Zombies.

End of journal one. 10:00
I know that’s a crappy place to leave this off, but there breaking through the door right now and I have to help hold them off. If…if I live through this, I will record more of what happened, maybe get up to what’s going on now.
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PostSubject: Re: The Mall   Thu May 14, 2009 9:30 pm

Alright, here is my critique of your story.

1. My biggest complaint is the spelling. There's certainly alot of mistakes, but it's not altogether unreadable.

2. More details! The more, the better.

3. You should have explained how you got from the food court to the closet you're in now. Maybe you meant to include that in later installments, but it would seem like an unfortunate part of the story to skip. As a whole, the important parts of the story seemed to move by too quickly.

4. Instead of “Maybe he’s hungry, give him one of your sticky buns so he goes away.” I actually would have said, "Maybe he's hungry. Give me one of your sticky buns so that I may eat it in front of him and laugh at his financial misfortunes." But seriously, you should have more dialogue, even if it's just random obscenities (but not too random) or grunts. Also, you need to have better dialogue transitions. Instead of "Then Carl said, 'Get my gun.'" you could say "'Get my gun.' Carl said as he glared at the hooligans on his front lawn.


I actually liked your story. I demand more. Just remember = Spelling, Details, Dialogue, and Story-Speed.
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PostSubject: Re: The Mall   Thu May 14, 2009 9:46 pm

Z 1 wrote:
(This is something I wrote a while ago in English class, feel free to comment, tell me how cool I am, or diss me and tell me all that's wrong. But no really point out any thing that's wrong so i can fix it learn from mistake.)

The Mall
Journal Entry One 9:41 AM 7/16/11
If your reading this I hope your doing better than me and that your safe in some cozy room because at the moment of this writing I am not. I am writing this in a storage room while they pound away at the door. I don’t know how much longer it will last, so I will have to make this quick.

My day started out normal enough; I was at the mall with my friends just hanging out. It was a perfect day, the sun was out the mall was pretty empty due to the Swine flu scare, (I thought it was just something to keep the people indoors and scare them, boy was I wrong) it was heaven… Not the hell it turned into latter, but that’s for latter in this sad and messed up story.
My friends and I were at the food court waiting on our orders. (I was waiting on a whole batch of sticky buns; I haven’t had one of those in a while.) While we waited we chatted on things teens normally do school, sports (and some other topics we would not like to have adults catching us talking about.)

Then when our food got to us and we sat down to eat it started. A man came in through the food courts front doors. I guess he might have been a homeless nam vet; because he was dressed like one, but his clothes were filthy and reeked. (there’s really no “but” there since most homeless people are dirty and stink, no disrespect intended to any homeless person reading this.)
Being the only few people there at the food court besides a group of two guys and one girl off to the side and an old woman every thing got quite. The man just stood there staring at Trigger, my friend. After about a minute of this he looked at me and said

“Maybe he’s hungry, give him one of your sticky buns so he goes away.”

With much moaning I finally agreed. I called the man over asking if he wanted one. He looked at me then looked back at Trigg and started walking over a limp, which I thought might have come from 'Nam. When he got to our table I lifted a sticky bun up to him and told him to take it.
He reached down (I thought to grab it) reached past it and grabbed Trigg’s arm. Immediately he started yelling and struggling to be let go, My friend Austin and I tried to get him off, we really did but it was no use he shook off. Then he…IT brought Trigg’s arm to his mouth and would have ripped a bite out of his arm if one of the guys from across the food court had not come over and helped us rip the fucker off of Trigg.

I backed away for a second as Trigg started backing up grasping his arm to see if any thing was wrong. Everyone snapped out of shock at the same time as me, all taking in a breath of air at almost the same time. After about twenty seconds I yelled.

“What the hell is wrong with this asshole?

Then my friend Austin said. “I don’t know but I think there’s more like him”

I then looked out the food court window and saw dozens more people limping like the man who was now twitching on the ground. Being an avid watcher of horror movies I new right away what was happening, Zombies.

End of journal one. 10:00
I know that’s a crappy place to leave this off, but they're breaking through the door right now and I have to help hold them off. If… If I live through this, I will record more of what happened, maybe get up to what’s going on now.


You asked me about your spelling mistakes on the chatbox. The mistaken words have been fixed, and colored red. I counted words with incorrect capitalization, apostrophes, etc. as incorrect as well. There were also several commas that were either left our or placed incorrectly, but I left those alone.

Not to sound harsh. Just trying to make you a little bit better. Grin
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Z 1
Shotgun Surgeon
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Gender : Male
Number of posts : 79
Age : 24

Character Sheet
Name: Talethal Yoric
Weapons: Aeromancer
Items: Lute, Raiper

PostSubject: Re: The Mall   Thu May 14, 2009 9:51 pm

What the hell is even the point of spell check.
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PostSubject: Re: The Mall   Thu May 14, 2009 10:00 pm

My spell check caught most of those I fixed for you. You need to find whoever made your spell-checker and sodomize him.
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Z 1
Shotgun Surgeon
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Gender : Male
Number of posts : 79
Age : 24

Character Sheet
Name: Talethal Yoric
Weapons: Aeromancer
Items: Lute, Raiper

PostSubject: Re: The Mall   Thu May 14, 2009 10:02 pm

Microsoft.
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PostSubject: Re: The Mall   Thu May 14, 2009 10:04 pm

Firefox
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Z 1
Shotgun Surgeon
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Gender : Male
Number of posts : 79
Age : 24

Character Sheet
Name: Talethal Yoric
Weapons: Aeromancer
Items: Lute, Raiper

PostSubject: Re: The Mall   Thu May 14, 2009 10:05 pm

I also used Firefox.
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PostSubject: Re: The Mall   Thu May 14, 2009 10:08 pm

D:

More story nao!
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Z 1
Shotgun Surgeon
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Gender : Male
Number of posts : 79
Age : 24

Character Sheet
Name: Talethal Yoric
Weapons: Aeromancer
Items: Lute, Raiper

PostSubject: Re: The Mall   Thu May 14, 2009 10:09 pm

More rp from you.
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PostSubject: Re: The Mall   Thu May 14, 2009 10:18 pm

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Z 1
Shotgun Surgeon
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Gender : Male
Number of posts : 79
Age : 24

Character Sheet
Name: Talethal Yoric
Weapons: Aeromancer
Items: Lute, Raiper

PostSubject: Re: The Mall   Thu May 14, 2009 10:24 pm

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PostSubject: Re: The Mall   Thu May 14, 2009 10:36 pm

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Z 1
Shotgun Surgeon
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Gender : Male
Number of posts : 79
Age : 24

Character Sheet
Name: Talethal Yoric
Weapons: Aeromancer
Items: Lute, Raiper

PostSubject: Re: The Mall   Thu May 14, 2009 10:38 pm

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