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 My submission for the "ultimate author" writing contest

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Demon Eyes Kyo
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PostSubject: My submission for the "ultimate author" writing contest   Tue Jan 12, 2010 8:37 pm

Rules were it had to be a short storyabout a man sitting alone in a kitchen at the table. It couldn't be a lengthy story. here's whati came up with.

-------------------

John Miller led the life of any average man. Started work at his office 9am, left at 5pm. Home by 6pm. Had a wife, a son, and a beautiful daughter. Everyday he went through the routine tasks of his life. One of his greatest joys was dinner with his family every night.

Tonight was Thursday night and dinner different however. Four dinner plates set on the table, a full meal of roast in front of him, and pitcher of ice tea with glasses near each plate. Yet he sat alone tonight, and even though there was tea on the table, his glass was filled with wine. He sat slowly eating his meal savoring each bite, followed by a sip of his wine. Close to the end of his meal he heard loud pounding on the door, after which came a voice.

"POLICE! Open the door this instant!"

He had known they would arrive quickly. He slammed the rest of the wine down his throat, and reached under the table. He pulled up his .357 Magnum from his lap he kept in the house for protection, and looked at the chamber. Four of it's six bullets were spent. Sullenly he raised the weapon under his chin and pulled the trigger.

The police broke in the door and stormed the house into a scene of carnage. John's wife and kids lay dead on the couch in the family room, dragged from different areas of the house. Hours later police found out what had drove John to murder his family. In his pocket was a cellphone, his wife's. It had a text from a number John had not recognized. It read, "Today's the day baby! Call me later when your ready to go, and I'll come get you. make sure you and your kids are packed," sent at 11:38am Thursday.

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"life without conflict is boring, and a world i choose not to live in."

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Pest02
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PostSubject: Re: My submission for the "ultimate author" writing contest   Tue Jan 12, 2010 9:08 pm

Pretty nice.
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Synyster Gates
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PostSubject: Re: My submission for the "ultimate author" writing contest   Wed Jan 13, 2010 10:57 pm

Why were 4 bullets spent if he killed his 3 family members? Did he have 5 to begin with? Did he fire one into the air at random? Did one of the family members not die after 1 bullet? Why not just say 3 of the bullets were spent if the rules don't allow you to fit enough words in to explain why the fourth one was fired?
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Uvana
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PostSubject: Re: My submission for the "ultimate author" writing contest   Thu Jan 14, 2010 12:12 am

I think since there's four members of the family (including himself), he meant to mean that all 4 were used on them.

However, it should've read 3, like Syn said.
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PostSubject: Re: My submission for the "ultimate author" writing contest   Thu Jan 14, 2010 6:26 pm

I think by law you can't have a bullet resting in the chamber.
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Demon Eyes Kyo
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PostSubject: Re: My submission for the "ultimate author" writing contest   Thu Jan 14, 2010 11:07 pm

A good author always gives his readers something to think about when they are done. That's how you hook an audience.

Did he shoot his wife, the whore, twice?
Did he miss a shot?
Did he use the gun once before?
Did he fire a warning shot?
Did one member of his family struggle and grab the gun?
Did he find out who the mystery man was and kill him before his family?

These are all questions that can be raised by 4 bullets being used on 3 family members...

You see it all the time in movies too. When the hero kills all the villians except one. You think, "will there be a sequel," "why did he let him live?," etc.

I had an amazing creative writing teacher. Smiley

BTW congrats to me this story made me 1 of 10 authors in the contest. I have a new one to write now for round one. I'll be sure to share it with you all when its done.

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"Dying is easy, continueing to live is much more difficult... Only the STRONG will SURVIVE!!!"
"life without conflict is boring, and a world i choose not to live in."

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PostSubject: Re: My submission for the "ultimate author" writing contest   Fri Jan 15, 2010 4:37 pm

You leave an evil character alive so he can run off to a higher evil power and you follow him. Durrr....
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Demon Eyes Kyo
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PostSubject: Re: My submission for the "ultimate author" writing contest   Fri Jan 22, 2010 2:51 am

I dropped myself out of the competition by choice. Though i have no doubt i could have reached the final 3 out of ten he wasn't specific enough in his rules. What i thought i wouldpartake in for a week turned out to be a month long contest which is something i dont intend to keep up with. thanks for the crititicism though. thats what makes an aouthor better Tongue

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